TransitionsBlog

By Roy H

I recently had the opportunity to attend a presentation of "Kristin's Story" at Bucknell University, sponsored by the sorority Alpha Chi Omega (ACO).  Kristin was a college student and ACO sister at a small mid-western university who was sexually assaulted by a friend while home for the summer.  A combination of factors contributed to Kristin's unfortunate decision to take her own life while home over winter break.  Her mother, Andrea Cooper, discovered Kristin in the family home after returning from a New Year's Eve party.  Andrea knew that her daughter had been depressed for some time before the suicide, but she had no idea that her daughter had been raped, a sad testament to the fact that about 60% (US Department of Justice [USDOJ] statistic) of all rapes go unreported.  A blog entry cannot do justice to the program offered by Andrea so I will not go into further detail about Kristin's case, but I urge you to visit www.kristinsstory.com and if you get the chance, go and attend one of her presentations.

I did want to discuss in this entry one of the interesting factors Andrea discussed about Kristin's case, which was the fact that Kristin had confided in her sorority sisters details about the assault.  Her sorority sisters handled Kristin's disclosure to the best of their abilities - they tried to be supportive, to help her with "getting over" what had happened, and to cheer her up the best they could.  But they respected Kristin's choice to keep this information from her parents and authorities.  I believe it is important to recognize that rape is a crime that is all about the rapist exerting power and control over another; it is important that victims are supported by friends in whom they confide, but just as Kristin's ACO sisters respected her choice not to tell her parents about the incident, all victims' decisions with respect to reporting and seeking help need to be respected.  The victim had no choice and no control over what happened to them at the time of the assault; they must have the power of choice and control over their lives returned to them. 

So what, then, can we do as friends of victims? 

*The most important thing you can do for a friend who has confided in you that she has been raped is to LISTEN to her, and to BELIEVE her.  The USDOJ has estimated that only about 2% of reported rapes are false accusations; if your friend is telling you that they were raped, BELIEVE IT! 

*Be prepared to support your friend through a very emotional disclosure, and don't push for more details than she volunteers to disclose. Assure your friend that you will maintain confidentiality and respect her right to privacy.

*Don't push your friend to tell you who the perpertrator was, and don't express doubt or say things like, "I can't believe he would ever do something like that" if she tells you and you happen to know the person. 

*Stay calm, and recognize that the victim may seem more calm telling you about the incident than you would expect - not everybody reacts to such traumas the same way.  Don't express outrage at the perpertrator - this is not the time for that. 

*Your friend may be too distraught to recognize important steps she should take to ensure her safety and health.  If the rape was very recent, within the past 72 hours, suggest that she get checked by a doctor or a sexual assault nurse examiner (SANE) for injuries, STD's and to help preserve and document evidence of the assault that can be preserved. 

*ENCOURAGE YOUR FRIEND TO SEEK COUNSELING!!! Trained counselors like Transitions' and those at Bucknell's Women's Resource Center can be a huge factor in the emotional recovery of a rape victim. Know the numbers of helplines:
 Transitions' 24 hour hotline is 800-850-7948
 The National Rape Center hotline (RAINN) is 800-656-HOPE (4673)
   Visit www.RAINN.org

*Continue to monitor your friend's emotional state over time.  Does she give indications of severe depression (sad all the time, loss of interest in things she used to enjoy, not taking pleasure in normally happy occassions, changes in social and academic participation)? Does your friend make statements about harming herself?  Does she have a plan (i.e., makes statements like, "I'm just going to shoot myself with my father's gun").  Take these signs very seriously; don't brush your friend off and assume she is just venting.  Urge her to seek help from a counselor.  If the plan is specific and immediate, call for help - dial 9-1-1 or seek help from the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-TALK (8255)

Being a good friend isn't only about being there for parties and social events; it is about listening and supporting your friend in times of tragedy.  Being a good friend can mean the difference between life and death.

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By Roy H.

Days are getting shorter, the kids are back in school and the family-oriented holiday season is fast approaching.  What better time to remind ourselves that for many families, the colors of autumn don't signal excitement and anticipation but only fear and stress.  Fall means colder temperatures and higher energy expenses; families soon to be confined to the house due to the weather; family gatherings that often result in conflict.  The weak economy has intensified family stressors and resulted in more batterers being home for long hours that they may otherwise have been at work. 
          Domestic violence is pervasive in our society.  Unfortunately, media coverage of domestic incidents are generally limited to high profile cases involving celebrities or fatalities. The violence is mostly concealed behind drawn curtains and closed doors. This October, please remember those who feel trapped in abusive relationships, who feel there is no place to turn, nobody to help them, and no alternative but to continue to live in fear and pain. Resolve to be just a little more observant in your interactions with coworkers, friends and neighbors - have you noticed significant changes in behavior, unexplained injuries or other indications that someone is afraid at home?  Some victims of domestic violence need just a nudge, a small sign of support from a trusted friend or family member to seek out assistance.  Many others will deny anything is wrong when asked, and that's OK - just let that person know that you are there for them if they need help. 
          Should you be in a position to help a domestic violence victim, be familiar with the resources available - Transitions operates a 24 hour hotline at 800-850-7948; outside of our service area, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-SAFE(7233).  If you hear a dispute at a neighbor's house, don't "mind your own business," call the police.  You can do so anonymously if you choose, and if the police determine there is no domestic violence occurring, the neighbors will at least be made aware of the racket they are making; on the other hand, calling for someone who is unable due to fear or interference by a batterer might just save a life!
          Transitions is celebrating Domestic Violence Awareness Month on our Facebook page.  If you look at our EVENTS tab, you will see we are posting a Fact-A-Day between October 1 and October 31 and we are encouraging supporters to wear purple every Friday of the month to show support for victims and survivors of domestic violence. Please join our event to show your support!

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By  Roy H.

This summer I have seen a fair number of media reports about computer-related criminal activity.  These activities include cyber-stalking, harassment, luring/abduction and assault, and extortion.  I decided to use this space to look at some of these cases and draw readers' attention to some of the methods being used by those perpetrating these offenses as well as to offer a few resources for parents concerned about their children's exposure to online threats.
A June 28, 2010 article published on Foxnews.com detailed the harassment of a 13 year old girl by another's mother:
"A Utah mom allegedly doctored a pornographic photo of a woman having sex with a dog, superimposing into the picture the face of a 13-year-old girl who attends middle school with her daughter.
Danette Stark, 37, appeared in court Monday to face 18 counts of sexual exploitation of a minor. Prosecutors said she created the image, put it into fliers and distributed them at Northwest Middle School in Salt Lake City.
Authorities said surveillance video showed Stark entering the seventh-grade bathroom at the school on the second to the last day of classes. A custodian found the fliers in the bathroom and contacted local authorities, Salt Lake County District Attorney Lohra Miller told FoxNews.com.
She said Stark admitted to making 30 fliers, but police recovered only 18 of them."
This is a great example of social networking harassment/bullying, even though in this instance the social network was not a virtual one (such as Facebook or MySpace) but the real social environment of the school.  Investigators had not determined a motive for the accused woman's actions at the time this article was posted; however it seems likely to involve some interaction between the accused woman's daughter and the victim.
On July 27, 2010, Examiner.com posted a story about a 27 year old Virginia man who met a 17 year old girl on a social networking website.  The two arranged a meeting that led to the girl's abduction and rape:
"Franconia Police District--Police say a July 24 encounter on MySpace "did not go as planned" after a 17-year-old girl was allegedly abducted and raped by Rony Herrera Deleon, 27, of 6731 Barrett Road in Falls Church.
Police note the victim, who had encountered Deleon on the popular social networking site, then arranged to meet him for dinner and a movie on Saturday, July 24."
The Daily Item ran a story on August 11, 2010 about a local woman who became involved with a convicted sex offender and found compromising photos of herself posted online by the man:
"LEWISBURG - A Valley woman unknowingly had photos of herself having sex with a convicted sex offender posted on a website, authorities say."

A similar case was posted on Philly.com August 26, 2010:
"PITTSBURGH - An Indiana man created a Facebook page in the name of an ex-girlfriend he had raped in Ohio, then used it to stalk a more recent girlfriend in Pennsylvania and threaten to distribute a secretly filmed video of their having sex if she did not return to him, police said."

These cases all present the darker side of technological progress in our society.  Computers offer us the ability to better organize, to more easily edit photos and videos, to create complex documents and artwork, and to communicate/socialize with people we might otherwise never meet or would rarely see due to distance.  I use my computers for these purposes all the time, and I am in no way suggesting that readers of this blog should abandon them because there are risks associated with them.  I do recommend, however, that computer users, and parents of computer users, proceed with caution and an awareness of the risks. 

There are strategies that can be employed to keep yourself and your children safe while using the web and social networking sites.  Utilize antivirus/antispyware/antimalware software and keep it updated.  Antivirus and internet security software typically costs between $30 and $90 and up.  Some free antivirus software packages are available:
*Microsoft (http://www.microsoft.com/security_essentials/)
*AVG (http://free.avg.com/us-en/homepage)
*Avast (http://www.avast.com/index)
The software mentioned above and below has been reviewed by such online resources as PC World and CNET and has been found to be safe and fairly effective.  Transitions cannot recommend any specific software, but we urge you to research your options and install the best protection you can afford.  Other software can be found by doing a Google search for "free antivirus software."

You may want to modify your profile pages on sites like Facebook and MySpace to accept messages only from people who you approve as "friends" or whatever your social networking site should choose to call people with whom you are willing to communicate.  Monitor your children's internet activity, and consider using parental monitoring software to limit the sites and other interactions they may be exposed to online.  Parental monitoring software is available free online:
*Norton (https://onlinefamily.norton.com/familysafety/loginStart.fs)
*K9 Web Protection (http://www1.k9webprotection.com/)
*Microsoft (http://explore.live.com/windows-live-family-safety?wa=wsignin1.0&ppud=4)
Others can be found by doing a Google search for "free parental controls software."  As with antivirus software, we do not recommend any specific monitoring software, but we urge you to consider installing some form of parental controls in computers that may be accessed by your children.  Also, you should be aware that some parental monitoring software packages offer the ability to track the activity of computer users, sometimes down to the keystroke.  If you are in a situation in which you feel you might be monitored yourself, perhaps by a controlling or "jealous" intimate partner, be careful about the software you install.  If you still want to install the software even if this is the case, to protect your children, you may then want to consider using an outside computer for your own needs, like at a library or friend's house.

Be aware that photos you share electronically with another person may be modified or shared with others without your knowledge or permission; consider using a cartoon avatar on social networking sites and use caution when deciding to email or text a photo of yourself to a new online friend. 

Keep your software programs updated, including your operating system (i.e., Windows, Mac OS) as many times these updates close security loopholes that might be exploited by hackers. 

Protect your passwords and be sure to explain to your children the importance of keeping passwords secret.  Many children have shared their passwords with friends only to regret it later, after a falling out or due to jokes gone too far.

I welcome feedback on this subject, including suggestions you may have or additional software you may be familiar with for keeping parents and children alike safe while surfing!

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By Roy H.

Stalking frequently takes place in situations where one person wants to leave a relationship. The relationship does not have to have been violent or abusive, although oftentimes that is the case.  When the person attempts to leave, the stalker either refuses to accept that the relationship is over, or he/she seeks vengeance in response to their disappointment.  The stalker may follow the person on foot or in a car; they may show up unexpectedly at the victim's place of work, at their home or some other public place.  The stalker will sometimes make frequent telephone calls, send unending text messages and/or emails, or leave notes or letters at the victim's house, in their mailbox or on the windshield of their car.  The messages may be accompanied by flowers or other gifts, requests for meetings and reconciliation, or threats of violence or other malicious acts.  The stalker often follows through on threats, causing damage to the victim's personal property, including their house or car or physically assaulting the victim.  Many stalking cases end with violent acts of sexual or physical assault or homicide - it is vital that victims recognize stalking activity and take action (contact police, formulate and follow a safety plan).

If you suspect you are being stalked, obtaining a PFA (Protection From Abuse order) may be a viable option for you.  A PFA can empower the police to arrest the stalker for violating the court order, even without them witnessing the stalking behavior.  A PFA can be issued in cases where:
 -You are either related to the stalker, married or previously married to the stalker, you have 1 or more children with the stalker, or you have or had an intimate relationship (sexual or dating) with the stalker. 
   AND
 -You were contacted or followed by the stalker for no lawful reason and you fear that the stalker will cause you serious bodily injury.
The PFA can include no-contact orders and many other protections for you.  The legal advocates on staff at Transitions can help you get a PFA and help you request appropriate relief from your stalker.  In addition, our staff can help you explore other options, including pursuing criminal complaints,developing a safety plan, or in absolute worst-case scenarios, relocation and identity change.

How prevalent is stalking?  A 2009 National Crime Victimization Survey found that during a 12 month period, an estimated 3.4 million people over the age of 18 were victims of stalking!!  81% of stalking victims who were stalked by an intimate partner reported that they had also been physically assaulted by that partner.  Almost a third were also sexually assaulted by their stalker.  Many stalking victims are murdered by their stalker.  If you suspect you are being stalked, don't shrug it off!  Seek help from police or an agency like Transitions.  You may call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for assistance if you aren't sure where else to turn, and they can help refer you to a local agency (1-800-799-SAFE - 1-800-799-7233).

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By Roy H

An article in the August 3, 2010 Wall Street Journal entitled, "Stalkers Exploit Cellphone GPS" (http://tiny.cc/cf7fz) documents some of the risks posed by technology to survivors of domestic violence. I urge you to take a look at the article.

The article points out, "The Federal Communications Commission required U.S. cellular providers to make at least 95% of the phones in their networks traceable by satellite or other technologies by the end of 2005. The agency's intention was to make it easier for people in emergencies to get help. GPS chips send signals to satellites that enable police and rescue workers to locate a person."

Lives have been saved because of these devices.  Motorists who have become lost or their vehicles incapacitated by nature or accident have been located by rescue personnel guided to their locations by GPS.  Lost hikers and campers have been rescued.  Kidnap victims have been found; perpetrators have been caught in possession of victims' phones and been apprehended.  For the majority of us, these technological advances are a good thing. 

For someone attempting to get away from an abusive relationship, however, they may prove extremely dangerous.  Many cell phone companies and third party software manufacturers offer programs that enable tracking of some or all of the cell phones on the account-holder's plan.  These programs are often marketed as "peace of mind" tools for parents to keep track of their children.  The potential for abuse of these programs by batterers who may track survivors of abuse who flee to domestic violence shelters, family or friends' homes is very real.  There are documented cases, some mentioned in the WSJ article, of batterers tracking their estranged partner to a place of refuge in order to do them harm.  You may or may not receive notification on your cell phone that it is being tracked, depending on the tracking software and method. 

Potentially life-saving technology that is fairly easily abused by some who use it to threaten the welfare of others.  So what is the solution?  Leaving home without a cell phone is an option, of course, but for many survivors of domestic violence it is their only line of communication to friends, family and authorities.  Our cell phones contain our contact lists, calendars, personal photos; difficult things to leave behind.

One solution is to purchase a pre-paid cell phone, available without contract at supermarkets and convenience stores.  Buyers  purchase a phone - the basic ones are very inexpensive - and may purchase minutes on "air time" cards.  The simplest phones have contact/address list functions and calendars; some offer more features.  The important information contained in the family cell phone (the potentially tracked phone) can be re-entered into the pre-paid phone and the family phone left behind.  If you can't afford or don't have access to money for a pre-paid phone, many domestic violence service agencies provide cell phones free of charge to clients.  Don't trust a cell phone from home just because it is older or had an expired service plan - third party software may be installed on the phone for tracking it. 

Remember, too that tracking software may be installed on your home computer.  Software is available that will allow someone to see every web site you visited, every instant message and email you have received or sent.  If you have any suspicions at all that your computer use is being monitored, consider using a computer at the library or a trusted friend or relative's home. 

It is not paranoia to believe an abusive intimate partner is watching your every move - it is good practice!!

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