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Susquehanna Valley Women in Transition offers counseling, shelter and other emergency services to victims of domestic violence and sexual assault in Northumberland, Snyder and Union counties in Pennsylvania. |
Domestic Violence Myths and Facts
1. Myth: Domestic violence is not the battering of women; it is spouse abuse - violent couples who hit each other.
Fact Some women are violent to their partners. But, we will not understand battering by counting the number of times one person hits another. We must ask “Who is terrified of whom?”; “Who is hurt repeatedly?”; “Who is afraid to speak, go to school, take a job?” When battering is understood as a pattern of coercive control; 95% of the victims are women.
2. Myth: When a man hits his wife or girlfriend, it’s usually nothing serious - a slap or a punch.
Fact: Spouse murders account for 1/8 of all homicides in the U.S. Studies of violent families show the violence escalates over time, becoming more intense and frequent. More women are treated in emergency rooms for domestic violence than, non-marital rape, muggings and traffic accidents combined.
3. Myth: Drugs and alcohol cause the violence.
Fact: Batterers use violence when drunk and when sober. Drinking frees the batterer from responsibility, i.e., “I didn’t know what I was doing.” It does not explain why men abuse. Many batterers never drink. The alcoholic batterer must be treated for two separate problems - violence and drinking. The battering won’t necessarily stop when the batterer gives up drinking.
4. Myth: Stress and mental illness cause battering.
Fact: Many men under severe stress do not beat their partners. Many women under severe stress do not batter. Psycho-pathology does not explain why so many people, who test normal, batter. Some severely disturbed people are violent. An alternative explanation is that battering is culturally approved behavior. Obviously some batterers experience stress, but stress does not cause abuse. Some batterers choose to deal with stress violently. The batterer’s belief in the right to control his partner and in his right to use violence to get his way is what causes men to relieve stress by beating their partner. These same beliefs may be shared by the battered woman and by the institutions of our society, like the church and criminal justice system. In this way, battering is culturally approved behavior.
5. Myth: Only poor people and minorities batter.
Fact: Battering cuts across all races and classes. It occurs in rural and urban settings. Two to four million women are battered annually.
Domestic violence may appear to be a problem primarily of poor women because middle and upper class women often have resources to hide the violence. They tend to avoid calling the police since they can go to a hotel and private doctor or counselor. Abused women with fewer economic resources are more visible since they must turn to public institutions such as the police, public hospital and community mental health centers for help.
6. Myth: She likes the violence. She also provokes it. If she didn’t nag so much, he would not beat her.
Fact: Women never express that they like to be beaten. Women “put up with” the beatings so they don’t have to lose the good aspects of the relationship or so they and their children don’t have to experience poverty, other major deprivations or constant fear of being hunted by the abuser. This does not mean she enjoys violence. For some women, either choice - staying or leaving - may cause problems.
Some women say, “He beats me because he loves me.” This idea is one that some men and women learn in childhood (i.e., my parents hit me for my own good; they loved me and hit me.) It is also an idea that is culturally reinforced by television, movies and novels.
When a woman tries to negotiate with an abusive partner for money, food and clothing, the partner, who may not want to be bothered, may define her behavior as provocative “nagging”. Her nagging justifies his violence. The provocation explanation assumes the batterer is not responsible for controlling his behavior. His violence becomes her fault. This is a form of victim blaming. This explanation also assumes that if she changes her behavior, he will not batter. Many women try this only to be beaten again.
Battered women are not perfect. Many of them get furious at their partners. But her anger is not the cause of his violence. Many of us get angry at our partners and we are not beaten.
7. Myth: His father beat his mother, so he beats her. He learned it in his home, it is intergenerational.
Fact: Although you are more likely to batter if you saw battering as a child, the behavior is not automatic. We make choices. Many children raised in violent families decide never to be abusive. Many batterers do not come from violent homes. You can learn to use violence against women and get away with it from many sources outside the family. This “explanation” still does not explain why the target is women.
8. Myth: This is a momentary loss of control and not very serious.
Fact: Women sustain serious and repeated injuries. According to J.J. Gayford’s study of 100 patients: “All women had the minimum of bruises caused by a fist, but 59 claimed that they had been kicked and 42 said a weapon had been used in the attack. In 8 cases a belt with buckle had been used. Lacerations were present at some stage in 44 instances. In 17 cases, attacks had been made with a sharp instrument - knife, razor or broken bottle. Burns and scalds occurred in 11 instances, usually due to the violence having taken place in the kitchen, with hot water or utensils being thrown or knocked over. Strangulation attempts were made in 19 cases...” Many batterers plan their attack. Although they describe themselves as being “out of control” they know this explanation allows them to deny responsibility for the violence. Many batterers carefully choose which part of their partner’s body to batter and the time and place of the assault. In one study of 100 battered women, all thought they might die during an assault.
9. Myth: It’s easy to leave and it’s easy to get help.
Fact: This does not explain why the target is women. It blames the victim. In one study, 44% of the women found the medical response useless in protecting them and stopping the violence; 64% found the police response useless; 48% found the social service response useless. It is not easy to get help.
