Susquehanna Valley Women in Transition offers counseling, shelter and other emergency services to victims of domestic violence and sexual assault in Northumberland, Snyder and Union counties in Pennsylvania.

Got a Date Tonight?

Dating is one of the most fun and exciting experiences of a teen’s life. But, for some, dates end in disaster. They are sexually assaulted by their date.

One of the most common types of sexual assault is date rape. Although it is common, it is the least understood. 85% of sexual abuse occurs between people who know each other...acquaintances.

The date rapist is not the weird, dirty stranger who jumps out from behind a building in a dark alley. Most of the time, it is your classmate, friend, neighbor, co-worker, boyfriend, relative or girlfriend. Rape can happen to anyone. Victims can be male or female, young or old, attractive or not, rich or poor.

Acquaintance rape occurs when someone you know uses physical strength, emotional bargaining, intimidation, blackmail or mind games to force you to have sexual intercourse. If you do not freely consent to sex and someone has intercourse with you anyway, it is a crime. While date rape involves sexual activity, it is not about sex, it is about violence. It is used as a means to gain power and control over another person.

Protect Yourself - A female’s guide to reducing her risk of rape

The following suggestions may help you to protect yourself.

• Share expenses, then no one “owes” something in return.
• Avoid being alone in isolated locations. Most rapes occur out of earshot from other people, in parked cars, isolated rooms in schools or businesses and empty houses. If a man is leading you toward a secluded spot, he might be setting you up and you should try not to go.
• Tell someone where you are going and what time you will be home. Call if your plans change.
• Communicate your desires: where to eat, what movie to see, when and where you want (or don’t want) physical contact. Communication leads to stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
• Stay sober. Many rapes occur while one or both individuals are under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Men often become more aggressive, women less able to cope.
• Be aware that giving someone a ride, or accepting a ride (whether you know them or not) may be a risk.
• A decision to be sexual should be agreed upon by both parties. Beware of words that may be used to force unwanted sexual activity, i.e., “If you really loved me, you would.”
• Trust your instincts. Most survivors report having a “feeling” that something strange was going to happen. If it feels strange, it is.
• Act on your instincts. Get up and leave, demand that your desires be respected, scream, run, hit or act crazy. You may not be able to do anything, but try to plan ahead what you would do if you are in a sexually dangerous situation. Whatever you choose to do or not do, sexual assault is not your fault.

When it comes to sex, no one has the right to force you to do anything against your will. If it is against your will, it is against the law.

Consent, Not Coercion - A males’s guide to non-assaultive relationships

• DO NOT try to coerce or talk her into sexual contact. If she says “no” or is reluctant, do not coerce her with “You would do it if you loved me,” or “Everybody else is doing it, what’s wrong with you?” If you pressure her and her choice is not freely given, you may have broken the law, you may have raped her.
• DO get consent: “Is it okay to touch you this way?” “How do you feel about this?” “Do you want to have sexual contact?” Only by hearing a clearly-spoken and freely-given “yes” can you be sure you’re not committing an assault.
• DO NOT “listen” to body language. A smile, a look, or an awkward silence can easily be misunderstood. Just because you may want sexual contact, don’t assume that she also does. It may lead you to do something to her that she doesn’t want and hasn’t consented to.
• DO verbally communicate early and often. Talk. Demonstrate your desire to hear her thoughts and feelings and have respect for what she wants. Enjoy sharing openly and honestly.
• DO NOT have sex as a goal. Some males make dating a game that can turn into a seek and destroy mission, where the male may achieve a “victory” while the female may feel sad, lonely or powerless.
• DO have friendship as a goal. Think of someone to whom you are attracted or in whom you’re interested. Only if you have respect for each other can you share a closeness where you both feel totally comfortable and share with each other your deepest secrets, dreams and wants. This is the intimacy that gives both people true power and the strength of respect, caring and happiness.

If you continually hurt people you say you love, counseling may help you find out why. If you don’t want to hurt other people, get consent.

Danger Signals Of An Abusive Dating Relationship

Your date may be an abusive person if he/she:

• acts jealous when you talk to others, even friends
• criticizes what you do, what you wear and your friends
• tries to pressure you to use of drugs or alcohol
• does not consider your wants or needs
• controls your body in small ways:
• - holds you too tight - pulls you around by the hand - ignores it when you pull away
• always needs to know where you are and who you’ll be with
• becomes angry or violent easily
• tries to force you into sexual activity you don’t want
• calls you names (put-downs) such as fat, ugly, lazy or stupid
• degrades your gender with jokes or shows interest in others in order to upset you
• threatens to physically hurt you or someone you care about
• emotionally or physically harms you and feels remorseful afterwards

If a Rape Occurs

Sometimes there is no way to prevent an assault. Offenders will find a time when you are vulnerable. Remember, it is not your fault.

It is common for victims of date rape to keep the assault a secret. They may not tell their friends or their family. Most date rapes are not reported to the police.

Victims of date rape fear others will blame them for the attack or that no one will believe them. They have trouble themselves believing it really happened. Not only are victims of date rape physically hurt, they are emotionally violated as well. They have been deceived by someone known, trusted and/or loved. This may cause confusion, fear and a feeling of loss of control in their own lives.

It is important to realize that it is rape even though you: 1) knew the attacker, 2) didn’t yell, 3) didn’t physically fight back and/or 4) had been intimate with him/her before and this time you said no, but he/she wouldn’t listen.

Women or men can be raped. Either will respond to stimuli. Women may experience orgasm, men an ejaculation during an assault. This does not mean the experience was enjoyable, only that the body responded to the touches. This often leaves a victim feeling like she or he must have enjoyed the assault.

If you are a victim of date rape, you are NOT to blame.

Dating Rights and Responsibilities

• Say “no” when you mean “no.” If you don’t mean no, don’t say it.
• Be clear, honest and consistent in your communications about all sexual contact.
• Trust your instincts. If you have any hesitations, pay particular attention to situations that make you uncomfortable and think of ways to decrease potential problems.
• Be direct. Nonverbal behaviors or actions are open to misinterpretation. This does not mean it is your fault if you are assaulted.
• Avoid the use of alcohol and/or other mood altering drugs.
• Understand that forced sex is never acceptable; it is against the law.
• Know the difference between desire and action. Being sexually aroused doesn’t give anyone permission to force sex on another.
• Be responsible for your own actions and sexual limits; they are your responsibility.
• Realize that dating someone for a long time, spending money on someone or previous sexual intimacy do not obligate you to have sex.
• Don’t make assumptions. Just because your date welcomes some sexual contact does not mean she or he wants other types of contact.

Societal Myths About Date Rape

Society often blames the victim for a sexual assault. This is unfair. The responsibility for a sexual assault rests on the offender. Some of the most common myths about date rape include:

• “You wouldn’t have been raped if you hadn’t been drinking.” Some people serve dates excessive alcohol in their beverages to make them more vulnerable. Drinking does not give someone the right to assault you. To be safe, know your drinking limits and what you are drinking.
• “If you hadn’t accepted a ride, this wouldn’t have happened to you.” Attackers are often people you know and trust. Accepting a ride does not give the attacker permission to assault you, nor does it obligate you to have sexual relations with him/her.
• “You asked for it. You’ve been leading him/her on and teasing.” Flirting is a natural part of dating. Know your sexual boundaries, how far you want to go and avoid being talked into touches you don’t want.
• “If your date spends a lot of money on you, you “owe” something in return.” Dating is not a business deal nor is sex something you pay for. A decision to have sex should be made together.

These myths simply are not true. The victim should never be held responsible for the offender’s actions.

Life Beyond Rape

Susquehanna Valley Women in Transition has counselors who are trained to help victims of date rape. They will listen to your needs and help you work through your feelings. Your questions about the medical aspect of rape or about the legal system will be answered. You can also call a law enforcement agency or contact the S.A.N.E. (Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners) nurses at Evangelical Hospital in Lewisburg. Most hospital Emergency Rooms have knowledge about how to best treat a rape victim. There is money available to women who cannot afford the rape exam if she chooses to have one and cannot pay for it.

Date rape can happen to women and men. It is not your fault if you were unable to prevent it. If you are a victim of rape, get help and support so you may start the healing process.

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